Tuesday September 6, 2005

How to tell if you are a Londoner

• Posted by Rob (#1) on September 6, 2005 14:50 CEST

It's not really a quiz, but Annie of the London Underground Tube Diary asked for individual responses anyway. Note that I am not actually a Londoner (yet).

1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.

Increasingly true, although I do refer to the airport merely as "City" which I probably wouldn't weren't I using it so often. Half point.

2. You have never been to The Tower of London or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.

I might have been to the Amsterdam Madame Tussauds actually. But never in London. Point.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.

Correct, I could and I can't. Point.

4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

Wouldn't say that's just true for London, but it is true. Point.

5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube.

Not quite. Over here in Holland, I get most of my daily excercise from slapping people who stand on the left on escalators.

6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

Correct again. Merdre. Point.

7. You've considered stabbing someone.

All the bloody time. Point.

8. Your door has more than three locks.

Not anymore, they replaced the door and I didn't put the lock back up.

9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

Mostly flirting actually, then again when I'm in London it is primarily leisure and dating.

10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.

Even better, I call the plastic plants in the living room a wildlife reserve. Point.

11. You consider Essex the "countryside".

And Brum a suburb. Okay, maybe not Brum. But Cambridge, definitely. Point.

12. You think Hyde Park is "nature".

Well indeed. Aren't the squirrels lovely? There are more at Holland Park actually, if you ask me, but still a full point.

13. You're paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".

Not yet, but I have been looking for such "bargains". Rent might actually be the only reason I am not yet a Londoner.

14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.

Interesting one. I must admit I prefer the small, urban convenience stores. Point.

15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.

I get by on public transportation, actually.

16. You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.

It's £3.20 at the Underworld actually, and as pints are €4.20 here in Holland that's not too insane. Still beats Oslo. Point. (And wishing one of these points were a pint.)

17. You actually take fashion seriously.

I am a shoe whore and haircut whore so I suppose that's true. (I'm such a cuddly xfashioncorex emo scene kid. Point.)

18. You have 27 different take-away menus next to your telephone.

Do Bookmarks in my phone's web browser count? Let's see, the last time I cooked myself an actual meal.. I think Maggie Thatcher was still running the country. Point.

19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.

Correct again. Point.

20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

Not so much. See 9.

21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on you.

That, or at least a hotel room where the sink isn't right above the toilet. Half point.

22. £50 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.

I tend to shop day-by-day so I don't think I've gone all the way to nifty at Tesco's, but this sounds plausible to me.

23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

Not really, Oyster doesn't take me inside cabs.

24. You don't hear sirens anymore.

Depends on the neighbourhood, but generally, no. Point.

25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.

Bollocks. You can perfectly drink water from the Thames, everyone knows that. Point.

26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.

Might be true even here and now in Rotterdam, but not sure.

27. Your cleaner is Portugese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is Halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Philippino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippie owner is Turkish.

That's quite accurate, although not entirely, mostly because I do my own laundry. And the nationalities are a bit different here. Half point.

28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.

That's definitely true, though. Point.

29. You roll your eyes and say 'tsk' at the news that someone has thrown themselves under a tube train.

They did? Tsk. Better not be the Central line. Point.

30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work.

I currently can walk towards work, but this would be very true if I had to travel. Half point.

Unless I miscounted, that's 19-and-a-half out of 30. Doing quite well for a non-Londoner/wanna-be-Londoner/future-Londoner.

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